Child Predators

The accusations of child molestation on Penn State’s former assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, have opened a topic of discussion that I’ve been leery about sharing.  But, if I am going to talk about my experience with raising a gay teen, it’s important to discuss the good and the bad.  My son was not a victim of sexual abuse (according to today’s laws and standards), but came very close.  

If I’ve not made it obvious, my son and I are close.  We talk about almost everything and I long ago broke the parenting rule of not making friends with your child.  Be.The.Authority. Why not both?  Though some might argue the two conflict, I disagree in the realm of parenting.  I need to be friends with my child.  

He and I have been chatting as I type and he just headed out the door for school saying, “Text me.”  I asked, “Why?” His response, “I dunno, just text me and we can talk.”  That is the kind of relationship I want with my child.  He wants me in his life.  

Who feels comfortable getting nailed with questions by a figure of pure authority and how honest are they going to be with their answers?  Do not let me sugar coat this.  He frequently tries to skirt around the truth, but since we’re friends I can call him out on a lie in an instant, which results in a thin defenseless smile.   Truth then follows.  Poor kid.  I need to know when he is feeling down and why. I need to know what his relationships are like with his peers and teachers.  I need to know what paths lay before him, so I can offer advice about what they might bring.  I talk to him about music, tv shows, my experiences as a teen and so on, but there are perimeters to the friendship.  I don’t discuss finances (other than the importance of limitations and responsibility) or treat him as a confidant; I reserve those conversations for my husband.  There are various levels of friendship and I believe an authoritative friendship is possible.  We are close, but when he ignores chores, rules, academic expectations, etc., authority kicks in and he often faces a penalty (loss of cell phone, car, etc.)  My stance is he is working for himself, not me.  He is not my protégé, he is his own.  I am his biggest advocate and want nothing more than to see him happy and a productive contributor to society.  A parent is a blend of variables: guardian, role model, friend, adviser and more.  Add a splash of make life miserable (name your poison, for me it’s not giving him an allowance), so they can see what the real world is like and you have your formula.  My way isn’t necessarily the best way, but I’ve managed to open a bridge of communication.  Unfortunately, our bridge has experienced barriers.   

Facebook is an obvious danger as the perfect playground for predators and pedophiles.  My son, with my permission, created a Facebook profile when he was 14 and I religiously monitored his friend’s list.  His privacy settings were as tight as they could be.  One summer, when he was 15 I noticed he was friends with a man who appeared to be in his 40’s and I asked him about the ‘friendship’.  The man was friends of a family member, but to us a complete stranger.  Red flags everywhere, I explained that no 40+ year old stranger has any business being Facebook friends with him and insisted the man be deleted immediately.  I checked my son’s friend’s list for the man’s name in the following months and the problem appeared to be resolved.  Wrong.       

My son officially came out to me when he was 14.  More on that subject another time.  When he was 16, I caught him sneaking out and immediately confiscated his phone.  His sneaking out was a massive breach of trust and I needed answers.  I read all of his text messages, which showed nothing incriminating (always on the scout for alcohol and drug use).  Realizing his Facebook application was open; I decided to read all of his private messages.  This is when my heart dropped to the floor.  He and the strange man, who I quickly learned was also gay, had been corresponding via private message for over a year, starting when he was 15.  In the beginning, many of the conversations were harmless.  On the cover, the man seemed impressive, worldly and cool.  I Googled his name and several national newspapers and magazines mention him, as he is the long time manager of a famous national park attraction.  His occupation made my heart doubly sink: His job was to interact with families and children on the daily basis.  The conversations were baited and my son swallowed the hook.  I will not go into specifics, but as their conversations progressed the man began discussing penis size, sexual positions, techniques and fantasies of my son; it translated into over 30 pages of filth.  He even suggested my son try to visit, expenses paid.  I was sick and had no idea how to handle the matter.  I gave it one day of thought, asked advice from a few very close friends, and acted fast.

First, I sat down with my son, told him what I had discovered and poignantly explained the dangers of his correspondence with this man.  As he grew up, I had drowned him with talks about safety, right versus wrong, etc.  I asked him, “Why?!?!  You know better!”  He was embarrassed, but admitted to being curious about the man and tried to cushion it as a game; suggesting he and a female friend of his were egging the man on and laughing at what a big loser he was.  No way around it: the conversations were vulgar, inappropriate and potentially dangerous.  The man lives over 2000 miles from us and I did not feel like he was an immediate threat to my son; however, I was very concerned about the families and children he interacted with on the daily basis.

I contacted both local and federal authorities and was told because no pornographic material had been exchanged and no actual meeting ever took place, nothing illegal occurred.  That’s right!  Dirty old men or women can contact your children via the internet and be as verbally lewd as they wish.  No crime done.  To the authority’s credit, they recognized the potential danger and the man is currently under investigation as a child predator… while working at possibly your family’s next vacation destination.  1) Why does it take so many years and additional victims to justify removing a potential threat to children and 2) Why are lewd conversations between an adult and child legal?

  

This post is more than long winded, so I will take pause.  Love and guard your child and let them know you will always be their advocate.