Tangent Girl!

If I were to be a super hero, I would be Tangent Girl.  My super human ability to distract people’s thoughts and even actions with the use of clever tangents could one day save the world from complete annihilation.  I’ve decided to engage this strength and discuss a few matters completely unrelated to being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning.  We’ve entered a new and perhaps final year: 2012, The Year Time Runs Out.  The need for super heroes will be greater than ever before, so before matters become too hectic I’d like to discuss a few minor things that really, really bother me.  Tangent away!

Here we go:

1) Water rings on countertops.  I understand water glasses are going to make rings, but when the sunlight enters in a horizontal position and skims across the countertops only to reveal what appears to be a year’s worth of failed wiping attempts, my heart starts to race.  It feels like a precursor to filth, which is probably why we were taught at my Catholic grade school that French kissing is a sin.  Using this same logic, water rings on countertops are also a sin.

2) People who leave one towel on the paper towel roll, to avoid the obligation of changing it.  This one bothers me in particular, because I am guilty of the behavior and feel like I’ve been out smarted when the action is reciprocated.  I don’t like cleaning water rings with a paper towel crusted with wide strips of glue, but I also hate having to unscrew the paper towel holder to change the roll.  The forces of Dark versus Light are constantly at battle and paper towel replacement is no exception.  Wait just one minute.  Clarity has revealed itself!  The water rings have been GLUED to my countertop from using the last paper towel on the paper towel roll!  Another conspiracy unraveled.  Moving on.

3) Toilet paper in the going under position. Toilet paper is not meant to be a page from the Kama Sutra.  In the going under scenario, I almost need a map as I paw at the unseen flap of 2-ply, just so I can wipe my ass.  More gruesome, I inadvertently wipe the wall as I feel around for the toilet paper flap, which renders it used.  It’s at this point I fling the roll off the dispenser and replace it in the going over position.  The last three squares of toilet paper are then disposed of since I’ve previously used it to wipe the wall’s ass instead of my own.  Be a good citizen and always place toilet paper rolls in the going over position.  Your friends will love you for it. 

4) On the fly, phone call friends.  This would be the friend that calls you only when driving, clearly as a time killer.  These conversations are typically lacking in quality, since the main subject focuses on the problematic driver in front of them and listening to their ‘have it your way’ drive-thru order.  I tend to avoid these calls and often screen friends for possible phone call on the fly infractions.  Should I realize I am being used as a time killer, chances are I will not be picking up your next phone call any time soon.  If more than 75% of our phone conversations take place on the fly and only last from point A to B, consider yourself an offender.      

     

I’ll wrap things up with just one more vent.

5) Adults who baby talk to other adults.  Cutesy baby voices and replacing the letter ‘l’ in love with a ‘w’, when talking to another adult, is downright nauseating and causes me to feel hostile.  I am instantly convinced the cavity of their skull is void of all brain matter and begin to wonder if they believe the same of me.  Why are you talking to me like a baby?  I have 3 children and droopy boobs.  At what point did I mislead you to believe otherwise?  I am not wearing a diaper (yet)…leave the baby talk for babies.    

This was just a sample of things that bother me, but my desire to tangent has been satisfied so I’ll end it there.  I know greater conflicts compromise our society (some one please gag Rick Santorum), but I still encourage you to sweat the small stuff.  You might find yourself laughing, or at a minimum, helping a friend to understand the importance of toilet paper going over versus under.  Together we can make a difference.