The accusations of child molestation
on Penn State’s former assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, have opened a
topic of discussion that I’ve been leery about sharing. But, if I am going to talk about my
experience with raising a gay teen, it’s important to discuss the good and the
bad. My son was not a victim of sexual
abuse (according to today’s laws and standards), but came very close.
If I’ve not made it obvious, my son
and I are close. We talk about almost
everything and I long ago broke the parenting rule of not making friends with
your child. Be.The.Authority. Why not
both? Though some might argue the two conflict,
I disagree in the realm of parenting. I
need to be friends with my child.
He and I have been chatting as I
type and he just headed out the door for school saying, “Text me.” I asked, “Why?” His response, “I dunno, just
text me and we can talk.” That is the
kind of relationship I want with my child. He wants me in his life.
Who feels comfortable getting nailed
with questions by a figure of pure authority and how honest are they going to
be with their answers? Do not let me
sugar coat this. He frequently tries to
skirt around the truth, but since we’re friends I can call him out on a lie in
an instant, which results in a thin defenseless smile. Truth then follows. Poor kid.
I need to know when he is feeling down and why. I need to know what his
relationships are like with his peers and teachers. I need to know what paths lay before him, so
I can offer advice about what they might bring.
I talk to him about music, tv shows, my experiences as a teen and so on,
but there are perimeters to the friendship.
I don’t discuss finances (other than the importance of limitations and responsibility)
or treat him as a confidant; I reserve those conversations for my husband. There are various levels of friendship and I
believe an authoritative friendship is possible. We are close, but when he ignores chores, rules,
academic expectations, etc., authority kicks in and he often faces a penalty (loss
of cell phone, car, etc.) My stance is
he is working for himself, not me. He is
not my protégé, he is his own. I am his
biggest advocate and want nothing more than to see him happy and a productive
contributor to society. A parent is a
blend of variables: guardian, role model, friend, adviser and more. Add a splash of make life miserable (name
your poison, for me it’s not giving him an allowance), so they can see what the
real world is like and you have your formula.
My way isn’t necessarily the best way, but I’ve managed to open a bridge
of communication. Unfortunately, our bridge has experienced barriers.
Facebook is an obvious danger as the
perfect playground for predators and pedophiles. My son, with my permission, created a
Facebook profile when he was 14 and I religiously monitored his friend’s list. His privacy settings were as tight as they
could be. One summer, when he was 15 I
noticed he was friends with a man who appeared to be in his 40’s and I asked
him about the ‘friendship’. The man was
friends of a family member, but to us a complete stranger. Red flags everywhere, I explained that no 40+
year old stranger has any business being Facebook friends with him and
insisted the man be deleted immediately.
I checked my son’s friend’s list for the man’s name in the following
months and the problem appeared to be resolved.
Wrong.
My son officially came out to me when he was
14. More on that subject another
time. When he was 16, I caught him
sneaking out and immediately confiscated his phone. His sneaking out was a massive breach of
trust and I needed answers. I read all
of his text messages, which showed nothing incriminating (always on the scout
for alcohol and drug use). Realizing his
Facebook application was open; I decided to read all of his private
messages. This is when my heart dropped
to the floor. He and the strange man,
who I quickly learned was also gay, had been corresponding via private message
for over a year, starting when he was 15.
In the beginning, many of the conversations were harmless. On the cover, the man seemed impressive, worldly
and cool. I Googled his name and several
national newspapers and magazines mention him, as he is the long time manager
of a famous national park attraction.
His occupation made my heart doubly sink: His job was to interact with
families and children on the daily basis.
The conversations were baited and my son swallowed the hook. I will not go into specifics, but as their
conversations progressed the man began discussing penis size, sexual positions,
techniques and fantasies of my son; it translated into over 30 pages of filth. He even
suggested my son try to visit, expenses paid. I was sick and had no idea how to handle the matter. I gave it one day of thought, asked advice from a few very close friends, and acted fast.
First, I sat down with my son, told
him what I had discovered and poignantly explained the dangers of his correspondence
with this man. As he grew up, I had
drowned him with talks about safety, right versus wrong, etc. I asked him, “Why?!?! You know better!” He was embarrassed, but admitted to being
curious about the man and tried to cushion it as a game; suggesting he and a
female friend of his were egging the man on and laughing at what a big loser he
was. No way around it: the conversations
were vulgar, inappropriate and potentially dangerous. The man lives over 2000 miles from us and I
did not feel like he was an immediate threat to my son; however, I was very
concerned about the families and children he interacted with on the daily
basis.
I contacted both local and federal
authorities and was told because no pornographic material had been exchanged and no actual
meeting ever took place, nothing illegal occurred. That’s right!
Dirty old men or women can contact your children via the internet and be
as verbally lewd as they wish. No crime
done. To the authority’s credit, they
recognized the potential danger and the man is currently under investigation as
a child predator… while working at possibly your family’s next vacation
destination. 1) Why does it take so many
years and additional victims to justify removing a potential threat to children
and 2) Why are lewd conversations between an adult and child legal?
This post is more than long winded,
so I will take pause. Love and guard
your child and let them know you will always be their advocate.
